Chelation therapy

Who uses it: Quack medical practitioners
What it means: Injections of EDTA, a chemical compound that binds with heavy metals in the bloodstream and supposedly cures a wide range of ailments, particularly arteriosclerosis. "Chelation" refers to the chemical process of binding with metallic ions.
How you can use it: To discuss criminally ineffective medical promises.

One of my ongoing projects includes responding to the e-mail that comes into my client's web site. Before I took this on, I didn't understand just how vast the world of spam is, and most of this spam (thank goodness) isn't even X-rated. It has to be effective, at some level, or people wouldn't bother, right? How many ignorant, fearful, lonely people have to order Cialis online to make a spam mailing profitable?

For the record, chelation therapy is effective against heavy metal poisoning -- overdoses of iron, lead and mercury -- but that is all. If you suspect that you have arterial disease and your doctor says you need bypass surgery, listen to him, get the surgery, and join a gym.

Ashton and I were having brunch at the Porthole yesterday, on the Wharf in Portland, when CNN reported that scientists had found high consumption of coffee and tea can minimize the liver damage done by high consumption of alcohol. Both of us on our fourth cups of coffee, we cracked up. "Thank God," he said.

Happy, happy birthday today to Ashton, who becomes even more handsome with each passing year, and needs no medical intervention to be so.