A strange momentum carried me and many others through the first few weeks of lockdown, and I know this was especially true for my relatives and friends who have kids at home. So many logistical details to deal with, so many things to cancel and rearrange and shore up. Lists to make, priorities to identify. Ten weeks in, I'm floating in a windless ocean with no map and no means of propulsion. I could be out here indefinitely.
Paradoxically, my work is busier than it's been in years. I'm deeply grateful for that, and I'm sharing as much of that prosperity as I can. Anything I would ordinarily have spent on Metro or Lyft, at baseball games and concerts, on road trips, is going to food banks and women's shelters and clinics and out-of-work performers. It's not enough.
That's what I'm struggling with this morning: it's not enough. Today is a work day for me, because it has to be. I have at least three emails in my inbox that are asking me for things I don't feel capable of today, and I haven't opened them because I'm afraid of what that feels like. Some of it's justified, some of it's not, some of these requests are unreasonable and not things that should be coming my way. The internal monologue runs:
Why am I feeling so afraid?
Afraid of
what?
Afraid
of not being enough.
Enough
for whom?
Afraid
of being judged and found wanting.
By
whom?
Afraid
of being held in contempt.
Again,
by whom?
By
[professional colleague's name redacted].
Fuck
that guy.
Is "fuck that guy" kind? Is it helpful? Is it necessary? No, no, and yes.
So the day begins.
Are you figuring out how to be enough? What are you doing about it? And how are things with you?
5 comments:
struggling with mental health issues my whole life, I cling to the phrase "sometimes treading water is progress." Some days I can swim, some I can float, some I can dive... but, for me, the middle ground is when I tread water. I'm making an effort... I'm participating in my own life... and even if I'm not making the progress that I think I "should be" I can celebrate that I'm participating. Because, this time, I'm not floating, and I'm definitely not drowning. So maybe this tortured braindump doesn't work for anyone else, but it comforts me. If I get out of bed, shower more days than not, and move around more than I sit still... I'm treading water. And -- in these times -- that's the best I can expect of myself. I damn sure wouldn't expect more of my friends, and today I choose to treat myself as a friend.
Showering is a big thing, I've found. Why does it feel so hard some days? But if I can manage to do that, the rest of the day is better. I have to keep reminding myself.
Okay, let me say here that I DO NOT believe in astrology, but this was my horoscope for the week from TheCut.com:
Scorpio Weekly Horoscope
This week, you might find yourself haunted by the belief that you just haven’t tried hard enough — that if only you just work a little harder, a little better, a little longer, then the love or success or comfort you’re searching for is bound to appear. But thinking like this will only lead to frustration, to exhaustion. Life isn’t a logical, linear thing; there’s no reason to expect logical, linear results. This is a week for being a little gentler with yourself. Eventually, you’ll find what you’re looking for. For now, give yourself permission to rest, to move slowly, to dream.
Thank you for the image of floating aimlessly in the middle of an ocean. I feel the same 'how much is enough' and 'for whom?' questions all the time. The showering thing is a gauge by which I measure my depression, which has been regulated for over 15 years. Shower avoidance before even getting out of bed is normal these days. Some days I don't shower and that is okay. More than one in a row is a warning sign. A pandemic is giving me a new 'normal' to deal with. Some days I am just stuck; not opening the email for fear that I can't answer the requests within. But I have learned to ask for help, give service or just get outside. Teaching my little students is also a boost. They are so happy to see us on zoom and to make music together. It is exhausting but in a good way. Also, playing piano fills me ... when I can remember to do it just for fun. Thank you for your blog.
I get you. I started sewing face coverings/masks a few months ago; just for myself, my elderly father and a few essential visitors who have to use public transport. Now I've made 40 and have 60 more to go. There's a need that I'm trying to fill, but whether that need is solely in myself, my community or a combination of both is something I hadn't considered analysing.
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