Thursday, October 30, 2008

I don't know whether a zombie slave would be worth the trouble.

This morning Turner Classic Movies showed one of my all-time favorite guilty pleasure movies, Val Lewton's I Walked With a Zombie. It's a great melodramatic retelling of Jane Eyre, plus zombies. What's not to love?

Some people spend their fantasy time imagining resort vacations or fabulous meals or romantic evenings with George Clooney. I am not ashamed to admit that I have spent a fair amount of fantasy time deciding who among my acquaintances deserves to be my zombie slave.

But this morning, as I watched I Walked With a Zombie for at least the sixth time, I had second thoughts.

The truth is, zombie slaves would be pretty high-maintenance. Their self-care skills seem very low, and in the absence of Purina Zombie Chow, it would be a hassle to feed them. Dizzy's vet chides me for not brushing his teeth; if I don't brush my dog's teeth, I'm definitely not brushing my zombie slaves'. I have a guest room with a pretty big closet, but I already use that closet for winter coats and luggage, so my storage space for zombie slaves is limited.

Most of all, though, I've never been a good delegator. Zombie slaves would by definition not be self-starters. I can't see taking the time every day to figure out their to-do lists, then watching them to make sure they actually get stuff done.

If you had zombie slaves, what would you have them do? And how would you support them?


Larry said...

I have to admit I have never thought about storing a zombie slave. Of larger concern are the potential issues of political correctness. I don't know where to start on that one.

eviljwinter said...

I had trouble cleaning cats' litter boxes. The dog I just let run in the backyard.

A zombie?

Since a zombie is a reanimated corpse, it would likely smell. They feed on brains, whereas, in the absence of cat/dog chow, table scraps will sustain a common house pet in the short term. Plus they shuffle. I ask you, if you had an area rug or even a decent carpet, could you keep a zombie slave?

Now rabid ferrets with lasers mounted on their heads - THAT'S just awesome!

Anonymous said...

You could start off with a ROOMBA automatic vacuum. If that is annoying, it would be best to pass on the Zombie.


AnswerGirl said...

That is a GENIUS idea, Richard. I would love a Roomba. I don't know what Dizzy would make of it, but if he can't deal with a Roomba, he definitely would not be able to cope with a zombie.

Peggy & Scott said...

Hmmmm ......... zombies?