I admit it: sometimes, as a break from my working day, I visit human-interest websites. I lead a small, quiet life; I like to see what the more glamorous are up to.
More and more lately, however, I don't have a clue about who these people are, and therefore have no idea about why I should care about them. In days of old, we had stars; now we have these weird people who've just decided they want to be famous, and don't seem to care what for.
Ripped from this morning's headlines, here are five things the tabloids think I care about, for reasons that evade me.
1. "The Hills." What is this? Is this still on? Who are these people? Does anybody watch it? I know — because I looked it up — that "The Hills" is a "partially scripted, reality-based" television program on MTV, based on the life of someone named Lauren Conrad who used to star on a show called "Laguna Beach" (another show I was unaware of; apparently, also a semi-scripted "reality" show about kids in Orange County). Anyway, the breakout stars of this show seem to be two fame whores named Heidi and Spencer, whose goal in life is apparently to live on free stuff and be on as many magazine covers as possible. So far they mostly seem to be famous for mouthing off and quitting. Welcome to America, 2009.
2. "How I Met Your Mother." I don't feel hostile about this show, I just missed it, and now I think it's too late to catch up. It's a comedy series on CBS that's been running for four years already, and stars Neil Patrick Harris, whom I really do admire. It seems to be this generation's version of "Friends," although fans (Claire?) might object to that characterization.
3. The Kardashians. They have a show on E!, but I have no idea why. One of them just got married to a football player — whoops, sorry, basketball player — but I don't understand why this is news, especially since it doesn't appear to have been a legal ceremony. Their father used to be OJ Simpson's lawyer, and their mother is married to Bruce Jenner, who looks more and more like a woman all the time. They all spell their names with a K, which unfortunately makes me think they'll have futures working at Krusty Burger or perhaps at The Krusty Krab.
4. Lady Gaga. She's a singer, right? But a real woman, not a drag queen — right? I can't pay attention long enough to figure it out. Does she sing anything I might have heard on my adult alternative radio station?
5. Jon Gosselin. Despite blogging about Jon and Kate's divorce, I still haven't seen this show. I never did understand why Jon Gosselin was supposed to be a celebrity, and now the powers that be at the Discovery Channel seem to agree; they've just announced that the show will go forward as "Kate Plus 8." And Jon Gosselin — seriously — has just announced that he wants to stop divorce proceedings. Strange, but I don't think I'm the only person who just doesn't feel like paying attention.