Tod Goldberg is an author and educator whose new collection of short fiction, OTHER RESORT CITIES, is in bookstores now. He also writes the BURN NOTICE novels, and serves us all in a continuing campaign to expose the idiocy of "Walter Scott"'s Personality Parade. He recently agreed to submit to Five Random Questions.
1. What's the strangest thing you've ever eaten that was theoretically food? (Dirt, broken glass, Mexican hookers etc. don't count.)
That's difficult to say definitively. So let me break it down into a few possible answers:
1. I was in a fraternity in college, which means I was forced to eat all sorts of thing under the guise of, you know, becoming a fully vested member of Sigma Phi Epsilon. Since I was blindfolded much of the time, I cannot tell you if what I ate was theoretically food or not.
2. I was educated in public schools in California, which means that I was regularly subjected to something called a Cheeze Zombie, which was made neither of cheese nor the undead.
3. West of the Mississippi there's a chain of fast food restaurants called Del Taco. I understand they have recently expanded east somewhat. This is not a good thing. They serve something called "Del Meat" in their products. I have never seen a Del prancing in the wild, so I'm not sure what Del Meat is precisely, but I've eaten and enjoyed Del Meat on numerous occasions.
2. Which Hollywood star or professional sports figure would you most like to see run for public office?
Mark McGwire. I feel like of all the steroid-era baseball players, he handled himself most like a skilled politician when he was questioned before the Senate. He wasn't exactly Atty. General Gonzalez, but he evaded things fairly effectively and thus clearly shifted blame onto himself while attempting to systematically avoid blame entirely. Plus, I met him once in a mall and he was exceptionally sweet to me, which he didn't have to be since I came off like a fucking moron, I'm sure. Thus, I feel like he's deserving of a decent second act in his life, particularly since it's now pretty clear he wasn't a lone wolf in breaking the rules, he was just one of the most successful, and thus I think he would make a decent Governor of California. He couldn't be any worse than what we have.
3. What would your rapper name be?
I've put a lot of thought into this over the years. It would either be Hebrew Ice or The Gold Standard. Obviously.
4. What classic literary work do you pretend to have read, but actually haven't?
There are many. Anything by Salman Rushdie. The majority of Jane Austen. Moby Dick.
5. What reality TV show would you want to be on?
"The Amazing Race," without a doubt. I'd lose in the first round, for sure, but I feel like I'd become America's darling in the process, provided I was able to get paired up with a midget or a woman missing a foot or knee or something. I'd have my own catch phrases and everything.
You can see Tod this Sunday at the Eighth Annual West Hollywood Book Fair, and he'll be making quite a few appearances around the country to promote OTHER RESORT CITIES. I, for one, would love to see Tod -- and his gorgeous, funny, tall and non-maimed wife, Wendy -- on "The Amazing Race." CBS, make it happen. Thanks, Tod!
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